Well, somebody asked for an update, so here it is, in all it's glory.
It would appear that our entering into an FLW was just another, fruitless attempt to try and save our marriage without actually dealing with underlying issues.
What's the point of trying something like this, when your husband has a wandering everything? I require honesty, loyalty, dedication, commitment, HONESTY, follow-through, and..did I mention...honesty?
Lies, secrets, deception, broken promises.... these are not conducive to a FLM, wouldn't you agree?
Honestly, I think he just wanted somebody to take charge so that he wouldn't have to deal with the hassles of running a household, making decisions, etc. So that he could just live in his blissful world, doing what's expected of him (in terms of chores) when he's home, and doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants when he's not at home.
So, no D/s play, no "FLM" in the way that you'd expect. Instead, it's the same as it ever was. I'm responsible for everything, nothing gets done unless I say it gets done, it's always been that way - only there's really nothing in it for me. I manage all the finances (and quite honestly, after what he did the last time he was in charge of the finances, it's better that way), I manage the household, I do most of the chores, all the decisions are left up to me... but I'm not getting spoiled, respected, laid, or attended to in any way, shape or form.
It's like I have another son. "Tell mom what you want her to hear" but then live your life however you see fit when Mommy's not looking.
So... sorry there hasn't been any updates, but there's really not been anything worth saying.
I just feel that an FLM is not worth the effort, when only one person is willing to play by the rules, and make a consistent effort. AND - I just don't think you can have an FLM if you don't have trust. And there is no trust.
Just one quick thought that I notice with myself. We men that are looking for the WLR often crave an outlet for some of the submissiveness that we feel. It is the quality attention that we try to get. I am new to seeing your blog so I'm not sure how things have been going but I know that when I do not have an outlet for the submissiveness for too long I tend to look for it anywhere - even if it is just watching a video or something. at the same time i still love my wife as much as ever and am not looking to replace her - just looking for some outlet for the submissive thoughts. again - not defending anyone since I don't know your dynamics, but I hate to see that multiple blogs are saying no more FLR when I have just jumped on board.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the problems, but thanks for the update.
ReplyDeleteWas he like this before bringing up interest in a FLM? While it's possible he's just a scumbag sub, I can't help but think he would behave, but is causing trouble so you can give him an excuse to do so. Some submissive men just want to be forced to obey.
It's almost like a baby fetish, but without the poopy diapers; they want to be treated like a child, or as you say, like a son. (Teenager perhaps?) These men don't want you to trust them, and will even go as far as sabotaging their relationship to make sure of it. They want you to ensure they are doing what they are suppose to so they have no other choice. These tend to be high maintenance subs, but if you can get them in line, the FLM takes much less effort.
Does he still insist he's interested in a FLM? A chastity device isn't necessary for a FLM but it usually helps with this sort of trouble maker. You can get one fairly cheap if you look around, and if he's still set on a FLM then I suggest you insist he wears one.
Has punishing him in the past made him behave? If the trouble he's causing is part of his "play," then you may also need to use more severe punishments. Just make sure they're not fun for him, and not difficult on you.
If he's looking to be forced, then he'll readily agree to these things. You can even straight up ask him if he's looking for you to be more strict with him. Whether it's even worth attempting to make this into a low maintenance relationship however, is another question altogether.
I'm with the above - except I say don't ask him for permission! I wish he would get his due. this guy is being a total ass despite all your willing to do for him... he already consented to a wife lead marriage so now be extremely strict: put him in chastity 24/7, find a punishment he really hates and use it for everything, give him a list of things that have to be done but keep it generic - like keep floors clean and keep yard clean keep and do dishes everyday and clean bathrooms every week - set daily inspection time and be super strict. ignore him sexually until he straightens out and after that consider his wants... if the marriage is going to fall apart anyway let it happen because you gave him what he asked for!
ReplyDeleteEither he is not really interested in having a real WLM and giving you the loving, devoted, attention that you deserve, or maybe he is trying to provoke you into "getting strict" with him.
ReplyDeleteEither way you need to sit him down and lay down the law a bit, tell him what you want and what you expect from him.
All: Thanks so much for your feedback. I honestly don't know what to think. I do know that I'm not going to "force" my husband to do anything. He keeps going back and forth on if FLM is for him or not, and lately, he's been doing the exact opposite of everything that's expected of him, whether we're in a FLM or not. I'm not his mother, and quite honestly, I don't want to be in a position where I have to administer "punishment" for a bad boy, especially when that punishment leads to resentment of the lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the point?
AAT, I do agree with you on your last statement - it is time for me to sit him down and review the expectations of our marriage. Because it's VERY one-sided right now. I do everything, it seems, and my "compensation" is what? A husband that breaks promises, lies, and spends his "free time" sitting on the couch doing nothing?
Any relationship, Wife led or not, needs to be a give & take - on both parts. If I am going to be the one in charge of everything, then the LEAST he could "give" would be honesty, attention, and follow-through on what he promises. I thought that's what our FLM was going to be all about. He didn't really have to THINK much about anything - his job was to do as he was told, and pamper me. My job was to do everything else.
Seems that where we are now, is I've still got all the responsibilities, and he seems to think that his responsibilities start and stop with bringing home a paycheck.
Something that is not working for me at all.
Dear Blind,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear of your husbands poor performance. I suggested my Queen could punish me once and she replied something like, "disappointing me should be punishment enough." If really made me think and I am punished when she is disappointed in me.
In your case - if he isn't honest or trustworthy then I agree - what's the point. Sorry for sounding like Dear Abby, but I suggest consoling.
andy
Dear Blind:
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that living breathing women who has interest in FLR has been met with disappointment. You are a rare gift.
If I may and most respectfully, from reading your blog you were “doing” for him. That is not my understanding of a FLR. Instead, you doing for him is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and you dear lady are not the wolf. It was in fact simply a male led relationship following what many have come to accept as the internet model for FLR.
A true FLR is what you, as the “F”, want in the LR. In other words it is not his fantasy that you have to fulfill but again and instead he has to come to what you want in your relationship.
Women’s needs are different than the male fantasy of FLR. What are your needs in your relationship? Respectfully, do you know what your needs are in your relationship and can you express those needs? If expressed, will he listen and possibly follow your direction?
Love, connection, endearment, mutual respect are what women want. Those words do not define the internet model of the male fantasy FLR. Focus on you; train him to follow you and to seek your advice. Start small, i.e. you always (unless you want or ask his opinion) pick the restaurant and he says yes. Break the fantasy model and define your own FLR.
I do hope to read more of your adventure.
Gat1207
WLM, FLR, DD, Chastity...no amount of alternative or kink can fix a troubled marriage. Those lifestyles only work for couples who have a strong foundation of love, trust, respect and communication. Before you can succeed, you first have to fix the foundation.
ReplyDeleteI wish you a lot of luck and hope that you both find happiness.
GWB @ SexplorationsBlog
i would like to chat with you about the lifestyle and your feelings/dynamics. i have had these feelings a long time. i currently live a chaste lifestyle. Not bdsm but what i consider a mainstream model. my fiance is my keyholder, love of my life and i guess in my mind my mistress. i have alot of theory and reasurch regarding this whole dynamic and truly believe it has merit as a mainstream life choice. i also believe too many people jump in the fantasy without basis for reality. i would love to chat with you some time about the matter. i have found the need to begin life coaching on this matter as i am well educated, in management for 25+ years and understand the mental, physical and emotional dynamic going on here! haveandtohold.net
ReplyDeleteheldbyher on live messenger or yim