Friday, September 9, 2011

You asked for it

Well, somebody asked for an update, so here it is, in all it's glory.

It would appear that our entering into an FLW was just another, fruitless attempt to try and save our marriage without actually dealing with underlying issues.

What's the point of trying something like this, when your husband has a wandering everything? I require honesty, loyalty, dedication, commitment, HONESTY, follow-through, and..did I mention...honesty?

Lies, secrets, deception, broken promises.... these are not conducive to a FLM, wouldn't you agree?

Honestly, I think he just wanted somebody to take charge so that he wouldn't have to deal with the hassles of running a household, making decisions, etc. So that he could just live in his blissful world, doing what's expected of him (in terms of chores) when he's home, and doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants when he's not at home.

So, no D/s play, no "FLM" in the way that you'd expect. Instead, it's the same as it ever was. I'm responsible for everything, nothing gets done unless I say it gets done, it's always been that way - only there's really nothing in it for me. I manage all the finances (and quite honestly, after what he did the last time he was in charge of the finances, it's better that way), I manage the household, I do most of the chores, all the decisions are left up to me... but I'm not getting spoiled, respected, laid, or attended to in any way, shape or form.

It's like I have another son. "Tell mom what you want her to hear" but then live your life however you see fit when Mommy's not looking.

So... sorry there hasn't been any updates, but there's really not been anything worth saying.

I just feel that an FLM is not worth the effort, when only one person is willing to play by the rules, and make a consistent effort. AND - I just don't think you can have an FLM if you don't have trust. And there is no trust.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Back In The Saddle

Wow - I can't believe it's been 10 days since my last post. Sorry!

It's been a crazy ten days, the hardest of which was this past Monday, when our youngest "at home kid", my daughter, flew from the nest on an airplane headed to Army Basic Training in Missouri.

It took me a couple of days to find my head after that.

This morning, I woke up feeling strong, and took a look around, and realized that this Wife wasn't Leading the Marriage all that much. I had to take a break - and as a result, my sub hubby lost his focus. I know that I am just as much to blame, but REALLY? When life is hard for me, I'd like to know that I can rely on him to keep things going when I'm too busy to babysit.

I guess that's where the training is going to come in, right?

Today, I told him ENOUGH. This was after I'd already decided I wanted to get back in the saddle, but I was going to be nice, and help him catch up on his chores so he could start fresh. One of his chores is to make sure that the dishwasher is empty every morning before he leaves for work, so that I can put my dishes in it as I go about my day. I noticed that it was full with the dishes I'd washed the day before (again with the helping), and I put them away. Well, I got about halfway through putting them away before I realized he'd added dirty dishes to my clean ones. Apparently that was the final straw for me. LOL

So, I sent him a message and asked him if he wanted to pick up where we left off with the WLM thing, and he said, quite quickly, "YES".

So I reminded him were we left off. I owed him a reward for making our anniversary one to remember - a reward that he's already picked, we just haven't done (a trip to the adult motel). Also, we'd discussed a reward of release for him, if my daughter's send-off party went off without a hitch. It was a good party, but our A/C was out, and instead of taking the initiative of contacting our neighbor (who repairs A/C systems) for me, he just let it be, and of course, our guests were not happy, as it was about 85 degrees in our house. But, at the same time, we'd put the D/s life in the back seat (or was it the garage??), so I was torn on if he should get his reward by default, or not.

So, instead of stressing out about it, I've decided to let Fate decide. I follow a blog by Lazy Domme ( and one of her posts talked about letting Fate decide on his release - by marbles in a bag, or dice, or other ways were I really don't have to bother with deciding.

So... now that it's just the 2 of us in the house, there's really nothing keeping me from tying him to the bed (or whatever) and using his body for my entertainment, and at some point, "flipping a coin" or whatever, to let Fate decide if he is allowed a release or not. I hope I have time for this play tonight, as I'm so stressed from waiting for my daughter to call me from Basic Training that I really need some stress relieve and a distraction!

I told him that his chances could be increased, if he put a post on his blog ( that would convince me that he really does want to continue this WLM arrangement, and if it was good, he'd have more of a chance for orgasming when it's time. PLEASE - go read his blog post - I personally thought it was very moving!

Wife is pleased. :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Busy weekend

Wow what a busy weekend! I'd assigned all these punishments for SubBoy, completing forgetting what we had planned for the weekend. Friday night we had to go way south after work to pick up our race packets for the 10k race that we ran on Sunday, then we had to drive way West to pick up his son who we had for the next 24 hours, then North to pick up the daughter, then further North to go to dinner (it was the son & daughter's last dinner together before the daughter ships off to military boot camp), then home to watch a rented DVD, then off to bed. The next morning, Saturday, was just as busy. We went out breakfast, then home while SubBoy did his punishment chore of cleaning the closet, and finished the bathroom that got him that punishment in the first place, while I took a nap from not sleeping well the night before. Then my daughter and I raced off to my son's fiance's bridal shower, while SubBoy took his son home, then after I got back from the bridal shower, we all headed out of town to the hotel we'd stay at for the race the next morning. The race was great - my daughter and I ran together on a mother/daughter team and we took 2nd place! What a great "last race" before she leaves the next. I will remember that forever! Then back home just in time for a friend of ours (who's privy to our lifestyle)to come over, but my daughter wouldn't leave the house (not like I was going to make her or anything), so there was no Play Time, just visiting, which was fine with me, as I was BEAT from the weekend.

So - we still have the corner time outstanding, and the leg humping didn't 100% get adhered to, but we had fun fitting it in where we could. I honestly think that once he got past the humiliation of it, he realized it was actually a little fun. <3

I suspect this week there won't be a lot of Play Time, since our focus is likely to be 100% on our daughter, in her last days at home before she's "officially" on her own... *sigh*

I did have some fun this morning reminding my hubby who's in control though, as he was getting ready to walk out the door for work, I unzipped him and pulled my cock out of his pants, and stroked him until he was hard, then put it away and told him to go to work. It's not much, but I think it served it's purpose.

Hope everybody has a great day!

Friday, July 15, 2011


Being the person that I am, punishments are quite important to me. I've learned, though, that it can be a problem if not done correctly.

In the WLM, when your sub hubby is a kinky one, how do you REALLY define punishment? When we first started out, I asked my hubby for some ideas. He came up with things like spanking, bondage, etc. Well, shit - these are REWARDS in his book, really...

Punishment should act as a deterrent for undesirable behavior, not as a reward.

I think it is important, though, that the punishment "fits the crime" so to speak. Meaning, the punishment needs to reinforce that the undesirable behavior is unacceptable.

Along that line of thinking, it would seem that my sub hubby has some punishments coming. Yesterday was not his best day.

I asked him to get a birthday card & gift card for my son. He didn't.
I asked him to stop at the ATM to pick up some cash. He didn't.
He also stopped doing that "one special thing" for me each day.
AND, he never returned to the guest bathroom to finish his cleaning project.

So.... here are his punishments:

Since he couldn't take the time to run the errands I asked, he can "take that time" in the corner instead. I based his corner time off of how much time I would expect each errand to take: 5 min for the ATM, 10 min for the bday card, and 15 min to get the gift card. 30 minutes, naked & collared, in the corner. Since he's not used to standing still like that, I'll break it up for him. This time.

For not finishing the bathroom in the given timeframe, he will, after he completes
the bathroom, do a "punishment project" for me over the weekend, and clean out the front closet, and re-organize it for me.

For ignoring me, he will do a few things. For one, he will take me shopping, and pick out an outfit that he thinks is very sexy on me, and buy it for me. He will also pick out a toenail polish that he thinks would be sexy on my feet. Also, since this, added to the lack of libido, has left me feeling undesired, he will show his desire for me, each night and morning from tonight through Sunday night, by rubbing himself on my leg (no hands) to get erect simply from the feel of my thigh on his cock & balls.

I may allow him to hump my leg for a while as well. (I'm also using this to try and help stimulate the whole "I am horny for my Wife" thing!). And, for "extra credit", he's allowed to rub against me or brush against me in public, for sexual arousal. Clothed, of course. LOL!

I tried to make the last one fun, because I think that "training" him to want me should be fun, and not a chore.

Wish me luck.


It's not fun when you force it - well, not always, anyway

So, last night was a quiet night. I wasn't feeling well from some Dr. appts I'd had in the afternoon, SubBoy had a very long day at work, and our daughter had a rough day emotionally as well. So, we did something we usually don't do, and we (1) rented a movie in the middle of the week and (2) ordered Chinese food.

I discovered that Chinese food is no longer the "treat" it used to be for me, now that I've lost 70 pounds! LOL I craved a fresh Subway sandwich even more after eating that greasy assault on my tastebuds.

Anyways... a few things to write about today. As usual, a lot for me to say. LOL

One thing is that I got to thinking last night & this morning about how I am feeling all this "pressure"

to sexually stimulate SubBoy, and how it's actually becoming a source of stress in our relationship already. It occurred to me that since our relationship has been very "non-sexual" for years, that trying to turn it into a relationship with daily sexual activity is a big part of where that stress is coming from.

Before we decided to try a WLM, we would have sex maybe once a month,

a time frame that was mostly OK with us both (him more than me). So to suddenly change from a very low-key sexual focus to it being our MAIN focus doesn't really feel natural for either of us.

The other thing that's worth talking about here, is that yesterday I told him I wanted to try something a little different. That in the mornings, during our usual "snooze the alarm and spoon up & snuggle" session, that he should grind me from behind a little bit, just to see if we could get the sexual urges going. Of course, when you're half asleep, this isn't a high-energy activity, I found out. LOL We spooned as usual,

and he did what I asked, and fell asleep quite promptly. As did I. But OH the dreams I had were AMAZING. I told him, "Damn, I fucked the shit out of you this morning while we slept." LOL I think that experiment is a keeper for me. :)

So, back to point #1 - I told him this morning that I think OUR definition of 24/7 WLM is obviously going to be a little bit different, and that I think we should stop trying to FORCE the sexual aspect of it, and let it happen as it will for us, naturally. I suspect that by taking the pressure off, and getting used to the new way of things, that the frequency of the sexual contact will increase, as will his libido. But "taking it slow" really should mean in that aspect too.

I feel like I'm not being a great leader right now because I keep changing direction, and quickly. I don't feel like I'm being very consistent.

I do think that some "punishment" will be in order the next time we have some child-free time at home, though. SOMEBODY hasn't been living up to expectations lately. he hasn't done any work on that bathroom since that first day, for one. Today he tells me he'll do it tomorrow. Well, that wasn't the deal. Also, he was supposed to stop at the bank yesterday and pull out some money for our daughter's activities today, and he was supposed to stop and get a gift card and a birthday card for our son who's birthday is coming up this weekend. That too, did not happen. Also, it's been days since he's fulfilled his obligation to "do one extra unexpected thing for my Wife each day"

I think he's getting a little overwhelmed, but even with all the changes that we've had, these things are not part of those changing expectations, and I think that he thinks that it's all okay, that "he forgot". I think this is the part where I step up, and show him that we're doing things a little differently this go-around. There will be consequences, even if he gets his shit together today. I just need to figure out what they are. :)


Thursday, July 14, 2011

A loving relationship

SubBoy and I have what I like to think of as a very unique relationship. Over the years, we've naturally fallen into a Wife-Led-Marriage by default, only without the label and the overt submission/Dominance.

Not only have I been the leader in the relationship, I've also been the authoritarian, the therapist, the best friend, the fuck-buddy, the wounded wife, the head of household, the role-player, the submissive, the badass biker, the shy housewife, the mom, and so many other hats that I've worn at various times over the last decade.

I absolutely love that I have found a freak, MY freak, who accepts and embraces all these different facets of my personality, and who is just as much of a freak as I am. He might add that he thinks he's more of a freak, but I don't know - how do you measure that?? I love that my husband is a freak too, has many different aspects to his personality. I think it helps us to understand each other and connect on a level deeper than I ever thought was possible.

Overall, though, I have always felt that my role with him, above all else, is more like a handler than anything else. I don't mean this in a bad way, I just mean that I feel a level of responsibility for him, to keep him safe, sane, and on the right track, as well as happy, loved, and interested. My hubby is a very impressionable person. I've learned this the hard way. Outside influences can have, and have had in the past, a direct, profound impact on our relationship. If somebody tells him he feels a certain way or wants a certain thing, the seed is planted, and after a time, he often will come to psuedo-believe it himself. I call it psuedo-believing, because it's more like a temporary thing when it happens this way, and underneath, the REAL DEAL is in there hiding somewhere, and will eventually come out.

A part of me feels like I owe it to him to help him with figuring out who he is in the inside, who he wants to be, and to get comfortable with that. I know he's submissive. That much we have clearly defined. But he's also a MAN, and I think he needs to feel like one at the same time. He doesn't have a lot of confidence in himself, which I think has led to a lot of the issues around how he's shown his submission. All too often, when he is intentionally being submissive, he starts to see himself as "unworthy" or "less deserving" of his own happiness. I think this eats away at his confidence, and he begins to feel ashamed of who he is. And, I think THIS might be where the reluctance and low sex drive kicks in. The same phenomenon happens with his bisexuality as well. He's attracted to other men, and likes to play, but when he does, or when he's feeling these feelings, the shame kicks in again, and it's almost like he feels like he's less of a man because of it. Sometimes the urges outweigh the negative stuff, and we play (we have a guy in our lives that we trust and enjoy from time to time), but then after, he plummets down into this "I'm such a loser" mindset, that it takes a VERY long time to get out of it. This negative association now has him questioning his bisexuality altogether, although I can see it very clearly in him. We are having our "friend" over this weekend, but he's already starting to psyche himself out, and even said last night, "I'll probably chicken out again."

I really feel that if he and I can get his confidence up, while he's being submissive, that his sex drive will kick in. I know it's there, but there's some sort of negative message he's feeding himself that's like a libido-blocker! I think this, because that is where we start every time we dabble in a D/s lifestyle. He's GUNG HO, and ready to please, with almost a constant erection, chomping at the bit. This is how I like him!! But then, as time goes on, he becomes less confident, afraid of how things might turn out, worried about who he will become, how others will view him, his ability to please me, which then begins a downward spiral that ends with us pulling the plug on the lifestyle. But we keep coming back for more, so it's obvious it's something we both want.

I know he trusts me not to abuse the "power" he's given me. I know he knows I respect him. I don't know why he does this to himself every time, but I want to help, stop the pattern, and help him get to a place where he can enjoy this lifestyle he craves.

So how do I stop this downward spiral before it begins? As a man with submissive tendencies, how do you retain your dignity, your confidence, your "manliness" and reconcile these opposing traits? What does your Wife do to help reinforce your confidence levels, beyond making sure that you know you are loved and cherished? How do you stop the insecurities and doubt, and embrace your inner freak?

My sub hub needs some company

To all those subs out there that have been following my blog, I wanted to share with you my hubby's blog as well. He's only posted once, and he's not sure about the whole "blogging my feelings thing" but he needs some followers, so if you're interested (and if you're allowed), here's the link: