Friday, July 15, 2011

It's not fun when you force it - well, not always, anyway

So, last night was a quiet night. I wasn't feeling well from some Dr. appts I'd had in the afternoon, SubBoy had a very long day at work, and our daughter had a rough day emotionally as well. So, we did something we usually don't do, and we (1) rented a movie in the middle of the week and (2) ordered Chinese food.

I discovered that Chinese food is no longer the "treat" it used to be for me, now that I've lost 70 pounds! LOL I craved a fresh Subway sandwich even more after eating that greasy assault on my tastebuds.

Anyways... a few things to write about today. As usual, a lot for me to say. LOL

One thing is that I got to thinking last night & this morning about how I am feeling all this "pressure"

to sexually stimulate SubBoy, and how it's actually becoming a source of stress in our relationship already. It occurred to me that since our relationship has been very "non-sexual" for years, that trying to turn it into a relationship with daily sexual activity is a big part of where that stress is coming from.

Before we decided to try a WLM, we would have sex maybe once a month,

a time frame that was mostly OK with us both (him more than me). So to suddenly change from a very low-key sexual focus to it being our MAIN focus doesn't really feel natural for either of us.

The other thing that's worth talking about here, is that yesterday I told him I wanted to try something a little different. That in the mornings, during our usual "snooze the alarm and spoon up & snuggle" session, that he should grind me from behind a little bit, just to see if we could get the sexual urges going. Of course, when you're half asleep, this isn't a high-energy activity, I found out. LOL We spooned as usual,

and he did what I asked, and fell asleep quite promptly. As did I. But OH the dreams I had were AMAZING. I told him, "Damn, I fucked the shit out of you this morning while we slept." LOL I think that experiment is a keeper for me. :)

So, back to point #1 - I told him this morning that I think OUR definition of 24/7 WLM is obviously going to be a little bit different, and that I think we should stop trying to FORCE the sexual aspect of it, and let it happen as it will for us, naturally. I suspect that by taking the pressure off, and getting used to the new way of things, that the frequency of the sexual contact will increase, as will his libido. But "taking it slow" really should mean in that aspect too.

I feel like I'm not being a great leader right now because I keep changing direction, and quickly. I don't feel like I'm being very consistent.

I do think that some "punishment" will be in order the next time we have some child-free time at home, though. SOMEBODY hasn't been living up to expectations lately. he hasn't done any work on that bathroom since that first day, for one. Today he tells me he'll do it tomorrow. Well, that wasn't the deal. Also, he was supposed to stop at the bank yesterday and pull out some money for our daughter's activities today, and he was supposed to stop and get a gift card and a birthday card for our son who's birthday is coming up this weekend. That too, did not happen. Also, it's been days since he's fulfilled his obligation to "do one extra unexpected thing for my Wife each day"

I think he's getting a little overwhelmed, but even with all the changes that we've had, these things are not part of those changing expectations, and I think that he thinks that it's all okay, that "he forgot". I think this is the part where I step up, and show him that we're doing things a little differently this go-around. There will be consequences, even if he gets his shit together today. I just need to figure out what they are. :)



  1. Hi Blind,
    I spent a fair amount of time trying to write a response to your prior post but I had some sort of writer's block. I will try again tonight or tomorrow.

    I am trying, but I can't empathize with being a male without a strong libido. I have always had a high sex drive, and being in a state other than that is difficult for me to imagine. I thought you said something about meds affecting that, so maybe that is the right approach (changing them).

    I am not sure how you might "force" someone to get in the mood for sex. Long before any FLR days, Suzy and I sat in a therapist's office and we were trying to work through our libido differences. She basically said that massages get her in the mood. I was a little annoyed at this, because I like massages too. I am not sure I really took this advice. But it does work (for Suzy). She will say she is not interested, I will massage her and then after a while, she will ask for an orgasm.

    I am not sure if you might consider massaging him? To get the ball rolling? We have a pretty good massage table (from Costco), so maybe that's something you could invest in? Being naked and having a loving spouse sensually massaging me would certainly get me going. Or, perhaps more in line with FLR, you can require that he give you a massage. A table does make a difference, though. (we haven't use it in a while, which Suzy has pointed out to me recently, although she does get some sort of massage about every time we "play")

    I have been meaning to post about "punishment". I haven't discussed this with Suzy yet but it's been on my mind. I enjoy being spanked and Suzy usually "rewards" me for good behavior by spanking. She doesn't spank me that often, so I am not sure whether or not she is comfortable with that. She does do cock and ball torture A LOT. She enjoys that, and so do I. But I don't know if she has any interest in discipline for the sake of asserting her authority or correcting poor behavior.

  2. HI lts,

    Nice to hear from you. I will say our situation appears to be unique, and I will also say, "it's complicated" (I hate that phrase, but it's so damn true.)

    I think a lot of the libido issue is some sort of mental conditioning, given our weird, complicated past. I have faith that we'll figure it out, though. I've had several more ideas today, but dang if I keep bloggin all my ideas, (1) he'll get a head's up and (2) there would be so much for you to read every damn day! LOL!!!

    Punishment is a sticky subject - when I ask my hubby what he thinks of when he thinks of punishment, he usually lists things I know he likes. Where's the punishment in THAT? I call that "play punishment" and I plan on experimenting with it at some point here soon (I hope). I read on a blog somewhere a great way to experiment with limits via role playing, and I think that's got a lot of potential for us.

    But as for "real" punishment for not meeting our agreed upon expectations - in the past, when it happened liek this, that was like a signal to the beginning of the end of that try for a WLM. Partly because of his backing off, and partly because of my reluctance to "really" punish him.

    I said I was going to do things differently this time, so I'm still trying to figure out the "right" way to go about it. :)