Wednesday, July 13, 2011

And the beat goes on...

Yesterday felt like an "off" day. It was one of those days where I wonder if this WLM thing is really what he wants. My sub hubby was grumpy, likely from lack of sleep and from his work, and I could tell he really didn't want to be doing his chores & other things I'd asked of him. But he did it.

We're getting the house ready for an all-day "open house" party for our daughter the day before she leaves for the military. The only problem is, our house is embarrassingly dirty. We have a tendency to be very cluttered in general, but the last 2 months have been frantically busy and this place is TRASHED, and there's just no way I can let company in my house like this.

So one of the tasks I've assigned my sub hubby is to get the guest bathroom "Martha Stewart" clean by the end of the day on Friday. So last night, he goes into that bathroom for about 20 minutes, and comes out announcing "The bathroom is done." Yea right. I don't THINK so. That bathroom hasn't been deep cleaned in like a freakin year, there's no way he got it where it needs to be in 20 minutes. So I go and look - he wiped down the toilet and the sink, and emptied the trash. There's still clutter on the counter, on the shelf by the toilet where magazines have been piling up, a picture that fell off the wall is still sitting on the floor, the walls and door are still dirty with fingerprints, the floor is dirty. Even the inside of the trash can was nasty. I looked at him and said, "this is a great start, dear, but I think that perhaps my version of "Martha Stewart clean" and yours are quite different. I'm putting pictures of what he announced as "ready for company" vs what I have in mind (granted, our bathroom needs updating, but that's besides the point)

With the mood he was in, I really didn't know what to do, sexually, with him last night. I was worried that he was having one of those days where he was resenting his decision for a WLM. And I got the feeling that if I paid attention to his genitals at all, he would be inwardly rolling his eyes, wondering when that part is over. His sex drive has been really low over the years, and one of my goals with a WLM is to change that. But I'm not sure how - part of me expects immediate, and permanent, results, and I know better. He just wasn't in a good headspace last night, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells, because I want this trial to go well. So, I did nothing. Was that the right thing to do? Please - any suggestions here would be great. I want to get him to a point to where he's constantly CRAVING any sexual attention from me he can possible get - I want him hungry.

I think a lot of his mood, although he might try to argue, stems from our play the other night, when I turned him into "Christina." He gave me some feedback later that he enjoyed that a lot - so much that it scares him a little bit. He said it was odd, how comfortable he was dressed up like that - like it felt normal for him - and I think he's been asking himself "what does this mean for who I am?" I reminded him that he has a tendency to assume that just because he enjoyed something for a bit he often turns that into "this is my new life" and that he needs to be careful with that sort of thinking. I think that I, as a "Dom", also need to be careful. I'm hesitant to play like that often, because I don't want my sub hubby getting to a place to where he wants THAT to be the norm in our marriage, as opposed to being the "different". I prefer it to be the different!!! Maybe at some point I can incorporate entire days in which I dress him up and put him to work cleaning the house. :)

Actually, there's a LOT of things I'm considering. Locking up his cock

when we're apart, me having complete sexual freedom (either with him involved or not)(I am thinking the "right" term for this is "hotwife"?), switching (or, making him act as Top for My pleasure), CBT, bondage, Role playing, milking, orgasm denial, voyeurism (either he watching me with another or vice-versa even)...there's just so much my imagination keeps coming up with!

Sometimes I feel like I need to try it all "right now" before he gets scared and pulls the plug on the whole WLM thing, but I know that if we don't take it slow, none of it will come to be. No need to rush anything - another worry I have - if we talk to much about "everything that could be" he'll assume it all WILL be, and he'll back out of the WLM thing out of fear. Again - eggshells.

It's funny - I read a lot of blogs where submissive men are the ones walking on eggshells hoping they don't scare their reluctant dom wife away from the whole thing, and here I am, a wife who really wants this, married to a sub hubby who really wants this, but still I walk on eggshells, afraid I'm going to spook him.

I think that in reality, this is a period of exploration and learning for us both. "Easy does it" I have to keep telling myself, and him. We need to go slow, to acclimate. Let's get from where we are today to "the new norm" and then figure it out from there. So, today, we're going to start writing things down - not just his chores - but all my expectations. I suspect this will turn into a sort of "agreement" of sorts, that I will be happy to post here for feedback.

I'm rambling, I know - and I will do it again and again - so if you're following my blog be ready for that. LOL I'm looking for feedback - both from sub hubbies and Dom Wives - of course everybody has their opinions, and I won't be taking everybody's suggestions, but I've discovered a community full of people that have a lot to offer, and I appreciate each and every one of you.



  1. Well that is a first, out of all the FLR/WLM blogs I have encountered, a male that asked for this who has a low sex drive, I can't imagine. I think for so many of us (us being submissive husbands) it is our over active imagination coupled with an insatiable sex drive that leads us to seek a FLR. And in your situation here you are walking on egg shells worrying that you may over do it and scare him away. Wow, what a unique situation you are in. Admittedly, based on some of your comments I too would be concerned/scared of where this is leading (hotwife for one).
    All I can suggest as a novice in all of this myself is a few general rules you may wish to consider. First a WLM has to be about what you what and not about trying to appease him. Your needs, desires and wishes come first, but don’t ignore his needs either. Secondly, you must communicate, maybe do a weekly review of the week, assess what is working and what isn’t. This will give you an opportunity to provide feedback of what he did well, where he failed and needs to improve, and it will also give him an opportunity to provide feedback to you, however what you choose to do with it is your call. Lastly be careful doing anything that is so significant that you can’t reverse or erase it. There are some things that you can’t undo once done, so if you find yourself going down the cuckolding road, make sure you have both talked it out and are on the same page. Remember, even though he is a submissive husband, I can only assume he loves you very much and you don’t want to damage your marriage in pursuit of kinks, maybe there needs to be limits.
    Now that I have found your blog, I can’t wait to read more.

  2. Hi LoveWife,

    Thanks for your comments & feedback, I really do look forward to hearing from anybody who can help give some insight in all this.

    Yes, it is an interesting dynamic between he and I. There's a lot of history, it was a very bumpy road for us to get to where we are now, and we're more solid than we've ever been, but there's a lot of work, I think, that is going to be required to get us to where we're going.

    It's a VERY long story, and a very personal story. But, to truncate it, we (he and I had a long talk about it today) think that perhaps our history has taught him some negative associations with sex in general. In fact, it seems that the only time he's really comfortable with "sex" is when I'm not in the picture. Otherwise he feels guilty about our past, or something like that (I'm still trying to figure it out).

    So...that said, I think that my challenge now is to "train" my sub hubby to change this association. He's got an active imagination. He's a horny little fucker, usually. It's very hard to explain - but when he gets overly aroused, he kind of climbs into his shell and shuts it all off. Like he's been a "bad boy" because he got excited or something.

    Anyway - I see it as my job to change that. I need to get him to a point to where when he thinks about having an orgasm, all he can think of is me. To a point to where he hates to be away from me, not because we're in love and he misses me, but because he wants to serve me and wants my attentions. Or something like that.

    Thus, the name of my blog - The Blind Leading The Naked. We're feeling our way through the dark, trying to figure it out, and hoping we get it right.

    The good news is that after the things that our marriage has survived, we both know, without a doubt, that if we get it wrong, it's okay, we'll step back again, take stock, learn some lessons, lick our wounds, and try again later.

    I really like your idea of a weekly "check in". We actually kind of did one today, that led to a spat, but we got it figured out, just in time for things to go wrong with our military-bound daughter, that led to another fight, that we bounced back from. LOL you can tell that there's a lot of stress in this house. I plan on fixing some of that tonight.

    I think that maybe my original plan of making him wait for an orgasm until the party goes off without a hitch was not the right plan, not for our unique situation. I think that perhaps, he needs to cum a lot. Frequently. He needs to associate "orgasm" with "wife". Once that gets in his head, then I start making him miss it (and therefore want it more).

    I love orgasm denial, especially with a good long teasing, but if he doesn't care one way or the other if he gets the orgasm, that kind of takes all the fun out of it, I think.

    So we're going to try to change that.

    Wish me luck! LOL


  3. Hi Blind,
    I enjoy reading your blog. I agree with LoveWife's comments. I suggest that the two of you incorporate "sexting" during the day to build the sexual tension up for both of you. This is something that really works for Suzy and me. Text him and tease him throughout the day. Tell him that you have some plans for the night and give vague notions of what thaty might entail.

    One particularly hot time Suzy had me locked in chastity while she was out with her girlfriends. She had set up a "scavenger hunt" and every so often would text me with a new clue as to where the key might be. She said that if I wasn't unlocked by the time she got home, I was out of luck. The thrill of the hunt/challenge is very erotic to me.

    I can't conceive that if you required him to pleasure you that he wouldn't "get in the mood". Have him focus on you, maybe require a foot massage or a full body massage and then ask him to give you a "happy ending".

    I am also interested in cuckolding but realize that it has a lot of danger to it. Suzy teases me about it quite a bit, which I find exciting.

    The feedback idea is really good. Communication is key when you are trying something very new. One of my biggest "kinks" is CFNM (clothed female, naked male...her being clothed and me naked); hence my appreciation for your blog's title. I thought it might be fun to go to a "clothing optional" place like you mentioned in your previous post and have me being naked and her not. That would be scary, but exciting. She told me that she wouldn't like that idea, so it's probably off the table. I wouldn't have known that without directly asking her.

    Good luck!


  4. I am going to broadly agree with LW and LTS above. Quite odd to have a wife wanting to encourage, what appears to be a reluctant sub hubby. I am sure that there are a lot of guys out there that wished their wives were so interested in "training" them.

    You raised an interesting point about your husband and Christina, I wonder how much better he would have attempted to cleam the bathroom, if he was dressed as Christina. Your suspicions may well be correct.

    Why not set him another cleaning task, maybe an all day task, and see how enthusiastic he is, how much better he performs. If he does, then maybe you can restrict his dressing to only full days when you want him to "deep clean" your house.

    Just an idea

  5. lovetosubmit,

    Thanks for your input! My hubby isn't very adept at clearly communicating what's going on in his head (he says he doesn't understand it himself, so that makes it twice as hard to explain it to me), so getting feedback from other submissive hubbies really does help me.

    I like your ideas. It's just so difficult. I know he wants this, and I know he likes the idea, but it's like once he says "I want this" he gets really scared after that. I think that's part of where he is now, so we spent more time talking last night about that. I had to remind him that we've been together for 10 years, and I plan on spending much more time than that with him, so we don't have to figure everything out TODAY. Baby steps.

    The thing with sexting, is that sometimes he feels like he has to follow a script, so I'll get "oh yea baby" feedback from him, whether he feels it or not. LOL Makes it difficult to decide the right thing to say next. But, again, with practice, I think the honest communication will come more freely as he builds up his confidence in being a "sub". He likes it, but I think he worries about "what it means".

    I love the idea of me clothed, him naked. That's something I'm going to have to definitely try out. Although, to do that at Mon Chalet - well, then it's MY comfort. LOL When you're in a place full of naked people and you're the only one clothed, it's pretty much like being the only naked person at the grocery store. People stare. LOL

  6. AtAllTimes,

    I am oddly looking forward to when our daughter leaves, and it's just us in the house, so that I have more freedom to experiment with things like this. As it stands right now, we never know when we will have the house to ourselves, so we can't really plan on playtime.

    But yes, I do plan on, after she leaves, on dressing him up again at some point, and putting him to work. Perhaps it'll be a good time for me to dress up a little myself, too. :)

    It is kind of funny (not funny haha but interesting) how he seems like a reluctant sub, but this was his idea, and every time we talk about it he insists this is what he wants. He says to me last night, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up." LOL I told him we have plenty of time to figure it out, and I'm not giving up on WLM, him, or anything.

    One thing that he's going to look into is changing his meds that he's on, as they are known to have a side effect of a lowered sex drive. He's going to email his dr today and see if there's another medication that is out there in our plan that he can try instead. So hopefully that will come to pass.